“I told you so’s.”

Because we listen autobiographically, we tend to respond in one of four ways. We evaluate – we either agree or disagree; we probe – we ask questions from our own frame of reference; we advise – we give counsel based on our own experience; or we interpret – we try to figure people out, to explain their motives, their behavior, based on our own motives and behavior.

These responses come naturally to us. We are deeply scripted in them; we live around models of them all the time. But how do they affect our ability to really understand?

            If I’m trying to communicate with my son, can he feel free to open himself up to me when I evaluate everything he says before he really explains it? Am I giving him psychological air?

            And how does he feel when I probe? Probing is playing twenty questions. It’s autobiographical, it controls, and it invades. It’s also logical, and the language of logic is different from the language of sentiment and emotion. You can play twenty questions all day and not find out what’s important to someone. Constant probing is one of the main reasons parents do not get close to their children. 

            “How’s it going, son?”

            “Fine.”

            “Well, what’s been happening lately?”

            “Nothing.”

            “So what’s exciting in school?”

            “Not much.”

            “And what are our plans of the weekend?”

            “I don’t know.”

            You can’t get him off the phone talking with his friends, but all he gives you is one- and two-word answers. Your house is a motel where he eats and sleeps, but he never shares, never opens up.

            And when you think about it, honestly, why should he, if every time he does open up his soft underbelly, you elephant stomp it with autobiographical advice and “I told you so’s.”          

Source:

The 7 habits of highly effective people